Hideous

It’s never been a piece of cake looking for someone who could accept you – how you look and how you act. Someone who could still say you’re the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen even though you look exactly like the zombies on The Walking Dead in every season. Someone who could look you directly in the eyes and tell you he couldn’t ask for more even though you’re the ugliest person he’d ever seen in his whole life. Someone who would love you as days gone by setting aside how worst your looks right now.

I want that ‘someone’ to be the guy I’m falling for as of the moment.

No matter how many times he’d tell me he doesn’t freaking care how I look, I could still tell he wasn’t satisfied. He wanted me to look just perfect for him. He wanted to make me look like a goddess. And you know what’s more funny? I’m trying my freaking best to make myself look good for him. Every time we exchanged self photos, all I heard from him is critiques about how bad I look. About how my dark circles are getting to its darkest phase. About how many pimples I have on my face. About how wasted I look. About how I should always tie my hair.

Before I met him, I already acknowledged the fact that I’m not good looking, not like how my photos shows it. I’m exactly opposite. I’m just the way I am. I’m just made by God, JUST. LIKE.THIS.

And now I’m hurting like freaking thousand hurt because he’d always put on view how bad I could look and no matter how hard I try to be better for him, I just can’t. I just can’t be perfect for him.

The problem of having a good looking guy is that you have to be good looking too, so that you’d perfectly be fit together. That’s just what good-looking guys’ want- to be with someone of their equals.

Unfortunately, I’m not the gorgeous-almost-perfect type of girl. The type of girl he wants. And I’m sorry to break it for all of you, but photos could be deceiving. 

Changes

People changed because they were tired of being who they used to be. They always try to be better than they were yesterday thinking other people would be pleased and be satisfied with the changes. That’s how changes occurred. That’s what drives people to change.

To please other people.

To be accepted by the world.

To have the feeling of belonging.

If you’re bad, you choose to be good because bad people just don’t have a place in this world. If you’re a loser, you desire to achieve something because losers faces demeans. If you felt like being a ‘nobody’, you decide to have a purpose because being a ‘nobody’ also means nothing.

Change is the only permanent thing in this world. Change is forever. It’s endless.

If you’re the kind of I-don’t-want-to-please-anybody person, like you don’t want to change yourself just to please anyone, then maybe you’re wrong. You may not even realize it, but you changed. You are not the same person than before and you just don’t want to admit it. You want people to like you.

But no matter how you changed yourself for the better, people will always have something to say. And that’s where this ‘thing’ enters the picture – acceptance.

Change is a good thing because you’re evolving yourself to be better than before; to right the wrongs and to give yourself another chance. However, you have to accept the fact that you can’t make everybody’s day. And it shouldn’t be the reason why you changed in the first place.

You have to keep in mind that you changed, because it’s for your own good. Not for others. You changed because you choose to, not because others tell you to.

Someone That I Used To Know

I like you.

You were very nice. You were kind enough to allow me to know you more. You care for me like we’ve known each other for a long time. You make me happy when my world seems to fall apart. You were always being there when I needed someone to lean you. You loved me like I’m very precious to you.

I fall for you.

I thought of having no commitments with other guy because you itself ought the things which a boyfriend do.

We don’t have any relationship status or any commitments. I was just a girl whom you cared for and you were my best friend whom I know for sure.

I confess the love I feel for you.

You didn't say a word as if you heard nothing from me. You even change the topic and make the atmosphere be witty enough. Tears started running down my face and ran away.

I thought you feel the same.

All those things you did for me, all pointing out that you cared for me and I safely deduced you love me, too. But I was utterly wrong. I thought you would feel the same as I do but you didn’t. I was just someone you cared for. Nothing special. Nothing more than as friend.

I hope things wouldn't change.

I don’t regret the things that I said. Now, it is clear to me that you did all those things because I am your friend. That falling for you wasn't right.

I don’t want to lose you.

But every little things change. You didn't talk to me. You didn't text me or ask me how I was doing. Things you do, things you make me feel, things you say before seems to fade away. It’s as if you were running away.

I don’t know you.

Months have passed and we don’t have any communication at all. Eventually, I chanced with you somewhere along the road. I greeted you happily because I was able to meet someone I missed so badly. But you didn't even smile and just left me alone smiling by herself. I am stunned and speechless.

Someone caring, thoughtful, kind and generous would eventually turn into someone I never thought he would be. He was unquestionably changed into a different person.

He was not the person I knew, someone that I used to know.

Brighter Me

These past few days, all I wanted is to be alone - distant from anybody else. I shut people out because I always thought it would be best for both our worlds. I kept running away from people who cared for me, who were always been there when I needed someone to talk to, people who helped me get up when I fall, people who always lights my way when I’m crossing the wrong path, people who offered me a shoulder to lean on when I cry, people who just love me and truly cared for me. But I’m just a freaking idiot because I set all those aside and becomes so selfish that I just tossed them like they meant nothing to me even though they give me reason to live again – happiness.

Now, I realized, I am completely insane for pushing them away from my life. I needed them more than anybody else. They showed me that there are still people who were willing to keep me because they thought I was precious, that they choose to stay rather than letting me go because they thought I deserve to be happy.

And they were right. I so freaking deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve all these suffering caused by people who I thought brings happiness to me when all they did is leave me with nothing but pain.

Being happy is a choice. And today, I choose happiness over despair. I choose to smile over being down in the dumps. I choose to live my life again with full of hopes and leave those things that hurt me, forget my pasts, moved on and look forward to a brighter me.

"This is the last."

Is what I'm telling myself for the nth time for this past few days. 

Before I met him, I told myself not to fall in love again because boys are boys. They will give all the love you want, they will care for you, they will do anything for you, but in the end, right in the middle, right where you already decided a future for both of you together living a happily ever after, they will leave you with reasons you can't do nothing but to accept and watch him go on with his life without you. 

And now, here I am again. With the same situation before I was left broken by a man who, I'm afraid, I no longer wanted to mention, and before that and before that. This seems like a cycle to me now. I thought I already learned a lesson, am I still not?

"Funny it is that we're best of friends yesterday and now, you seem like a stranger I haven't met yet." - AJignacio

“Don’t spend hours thinking about people’s thoughts about you. First of all, whatever it is, it sure does not define who you really are. Second, no matter what you do or say, good or bad, they always have something to say, so don’t bother anymore. And most of all, you weren’t born to entertain people.” - AJignacio

A Place to Start

There are moments in our life we could not erase, people we could not forget, and decisions we could not take back. No matter how hard we try to forget those things that hurt us in the past, it just coming back over and over again especially at times when you are by yourself.

There are moments in my life that I wanted to forget. It was unfair that those memories which I called it “nightmares” keep coming back to me when those joyful moments I had in my life seems to vanish. And together with those nightmares is the pain I had felt during those times when my decision was off. I regretted every decision I had made that time. I regretted those times when I let myself become so stupid, vulnerable and gullible. I regretted those times when I was not in my right mind and acted very childishly.

I did so many mistakes. I did so many off-decisions. I did so many shameful moments. I did so many regretful things. But I didn’t let those failures to ruin my entire life because there are so many things out there that life has bestowed on us that I can enjoy with. And without those failures, I wouldn’t learn. I wouldn’t be who I was right now. I wouldn’t be strong. I wouldn’t make right decisions. And I wouldn’t be as happy as today. Failure is simply the opportunity to begin again. This time, more intelligently.

Maybe I should not call my failures as a mistake. It would sound so good if I say that it just a place to start. Life challenges were not supposed to paralyze me; it was supposed to help me discover who I really am and how I handle those things in my life. I had stopped being a prisoner of my past and I become the architect of my future. I didn’t let those things take me down. I let it become my inspiration to get up and continue my journey.

Failures teach us important lessons. Every time you encounter one, you have step closer to your goal. Life is always up and down. So, don’t worry if when you are at the bottom because the next place is up. Get up, never give up and make something that will inch you closer to a better tomorrow.

Erroneous Belief

Often times, we think that communication is simple. We always failed to notice the things that we must consider in communicating. We should not just talk. We should not just share. We should not just express. We should also consider things in order to have an effective communication. We may think that it is simple but if we look more closely to it, it is kind of complicated.

There are many misconceptions in communication. I think the most common is that the thought that if we communicate with others, it will be understood. We are definitely wrong. Not all people can interpret the meanings behind your words. Because, it depends on how it was delivered by the messenger. Often times, it leads to misunderstandings. Other is that the thought that if we communicate with others, our problem would be solve. Yes it’s true that we must discuss our problems to someone to get advice but at the end of the day, it is you who can really solve your own problems. It is your decision on how to make a way to solve it. And lastly, the thought that communication is innate ability. One can communicate easily with others but to be able to understand and to be understood needs communication skills and that skills can be learned through practice in order to have an effective communication.

Communication seems to be simple yet so complicated. We must not take this for granted because it is very essential in our lives. We must study it so that we could have a better understanding about it and so that we could clearly communicate to others.

Butterflies in my Belly

I have a thing in putting pen to paper from the time when I was lettered in the early hours of my meat-and-potatoes. In the course of those days, I had previously got the picture that I did rather pieces that are not of good worth. Consequently, I laid down my arms in writing grasping there’s no by-and-by awaits me seeing that I don’t have aptitude in writing in the least.

All the same, I had recuperated in crafting words into a work of art inside and out weighed against my bygone pieces. Though it took me roughly a year to have the chutzpah I have in my entire body merely to rush back into the world of arts, it didn’t carry some weight for my part anyways. Albeit the veracity that there’s ample of odds I had missed and squandered, yet I fathom out that God has the best plans a way, way better than mine.

At this jiffy, I had crafted a great deal of opus whereas I can articulate it was of good value put side by side to my long-gone pieces. In point of fact, I have previously published a story in Watt pad which I had created in the course of vacation subsequent to my graduation in high school. Affirming it was a not up to scratch story, yet I merely wanted to put into words the thoughts I have in mind along with the purpose of learning and building up the knacks I have in writing.

I was utterly bolt from the blue as soon as I had seen quite a few readers of my story I had previously published. The sentiment of being over the moon the moment I had seen it, it was too wonderful for words even supposing it was hardly any. The thing is that roughly a few people had been of interest in my story to some extent.

From that jiffy, time and again, I drop in on my profile in Watt pad solely to catch a glimpse of reader. If only there’s a way to see whose reading your story so as to even conveyed my deepest gratitude for the time they had frittered away solely to read my story, I would do even supposing I’ll send them a message on a case by case basis.

“It feels so good to be appreciated to what you have done. It keeps you going and enthuse you even more.”

The Crack of Dawn

The sun had greeted me with its balmy and cordial beam, the flowers blossoms as it bops with good cheer and the foliage moves to and fro as the zephyr puffed them as I set in train a day with the flora and fauna.

It’s sunup yet again.

Another day to embark on a further trek of my get-up-and-go, another day to take a deep breath and play against odd jobs I may stumble upon and another day to make ends meet as I embrace cheeses in my being and subsists my creeps, woes, and frets. Another chance to amend off the beam stuff and suchlike and keep within bounds the course things I do more often than not.

Another opportunity to get something done the way it should be without making an allowance for a pretext and be accountable for a curtailed sense of duty. Another day to know all there is to know to put in the ground the things I have in mind whereas it trigger off qualms and angst and divest me from delight. Furthermore, another day to bequeath gratefulness to our God Almighty who bestowed another superb blessing to each and every one of us and that is this another, a new, and a further day of our existence.

Days elapse like a bat out of hell. We couldn’t give the lowdown under no circumstances. Days are random and it’s a hit or misses. You cannot put in the picture in words of one syllable things which may perhaps have effect in your life for vim and vigour is unpredictable.

Events that are yet to come chiefly depend on how you contend with the things taking place at the present. External circumstances solely depend on how you make decisions and how you take it in hand albeit it’s an apt or oft decision.

You are the lone architect of your future. Along these lines, so as to reach for the stars, you must keep your head down, work up a sweat and have your heart in the right place and your journey outset at this very moment.

Come round and perk up in half a shake. You must not fritter away every opportunities and chances given. Every minute are of great magnitude. Commence your day at present and make it as your stupendous and out of the world jiffy of your living.

Success is the sum of all efforts, repeated day in and day out.

Restless Hours Of Darkness

In this long night, the time seems long-drawn-out, and this night is particularly sustained, this time without you.

In the midst of the lonesome hours of darkness, I utterly endure the agony engendered by the thoughts of you uproaring inside my mind, relentlessly thinking of someone I was been crazy with thus causing me to have restless nights.

In this long night, I shed tears persistently on the trot without a soul taking a crack to the circumstance I was engrossed with. No one would even bother to pay heed anyways. I was on my tod alleviating the dull pain of my own grounds. I was profoundly hurt by the veracity that love had deserted me, incessantly flabbergasting and slowly putting behind me.

I can’t have forty winks thanks to the reminiscences of you persistently flaunting and resting on my mind. The blissful jiffy we have for clear of two years, the saccharine things you do at all times, the way you make me feel out of the ordinary and the words beyond pleasing to heed, how am I supposed to contend with that?

Not a soul knows how rough it is for me to come to grips with those excruciating recollections single-handed. I am aching so as to be killed by my grounds. Utterly bizarre.

In this long night, I shut my eyes yet again. Scoring through the things which brought melancholy in my life, hoping to see the light as I perked up and start a new day, new world and new me to enjoy this life has to offer so another angel would ever smile upon me.

I cannot allow bad things to hinder me to the good things I wasn’t paying attention before. I don’t want to condone the chances which leads to a vivid and picturesque moments. I craved for the glee which abandoned me thus far.

I don’t want to be a prisoner of my past to any further extent. I want to live my life without thinking any qualms and fears. I don’t want to be hurt by someone so many times in a row. I want to live a renaissance where God is the heart of my life.

In this long night, I wanted to start the ball rolling in my life without you in it. 

Love That Keeps Us Together

I never thought I’ll be able to come across someone like you

That could love me more than anyone could do

Grateful am I for God had given me you

You added colors to my life, had made a beautiful hue.

No more than you could bequeath me this feeling

I could not enquire further for you are everything

You had transformed my life, every time had made me smile

You had made every little thing in life thus worthwhile.

Countless trials together we had fruitfully overcome

At times, I happen to be tired and tend to give up

But the love that binds us together is so strong

Nothing could crash even the strongest storm.

Blissful am I when you and I are together

As I had wish every moment stays forever

In the vein of love I had for you that will never fade

To stay with you is the verdict I had keenly made.

I am head-over-heels with you and that will go on forever

You are just the right match for me, relentlessly remember

Blessed am I as I had have you as my exquisite partner

You and I will be together like happily ever after.

Enigmatic Death

When I open my eyes, I found myself following a man wearing entirely black clothes with a red rope lashed in my hands. I tried to unfasten it whereas it eventually loosens itself and I get a chance to flee from the man which seems to be related to death.

I wandered around the town merely to find out I was dead by now. And I was bolt from the blue with that verity for I don’t remember anything from the time when I was still alive counting the ground of my demise. Hence, I take a crack to unravel the enigma in the wake of my death whereas I had stumble upon a man whom I grasp he can see ghost alike me. That’s when I got the hope that the ground of my death would crack in next to no time. 

It was not easy to sway him to lend a hand to me. It was thanks to the hairpin I have that made him help me. Because, it was the same pin which he gave to his mother in what went before though I had no idea where I got it from. At first, all I want to know is to who I am. Yet, when he discovered who I was, I desire to know the reason of my demise in trade to help him find his mother. 

As we probe together in finding the verity, it never traverse in our minds that we could unearth a deeper and greater arcane in the wake of finding the veracity we rummage around.

And as we were on the verge of unravelling the truth, the further it hurts us so as to encumber us from finding the truth to any further extent. It’s as if every piece deciphered made it for us to barely breathe given that it’s something we couldn’t bare nor accept. As it happens, we keep at uncovering the truth so as to explicate the reason to my death and finding his mother he hadn’t seen for long years albeit our hearts our seen better days.

The last thing we did to unravel the enigma of my death before the full moon, is to go to the Underworld’s Library to where records of the dead were stored. He was the only one allowed to enter and I was left outside waiting him to find my records before the given time ends. And it was quite late when he go out from the library and he straight away grabbed my hand and rapidly ran.

I asked him if he ever found out who killed me but he fretfully said anon. And I didn’t speak anymore, running swiftly before the sun sets. I had grasp the veracity in the wake of my killer. I realized it when he didn’t answer me right away when I asked him. That’s when I knew who my killer was. 

The one, who killed me, is Arang. 

And I am Arang.

Oasis

The days seem dreary and I was laid still stuck between the dimness with no signs of light. The shade engirdled me so as to restraint me from seeing the gleam. At this jiffy, I lingered on cleaving to the hope that someone will give me a hand to set me free from the world brimming with obscurity I was currently in. 

This forlorn and stuffy night leaves me tossing and turning whereas these are the days I found myself shedding tears for ever and a day in lieu of the people who incessantly hurt my callow heart. It’s quite asphyxiating me awfully leaving my heart be ill with draught. 

Subsequently, you came into my being just on the dot whereas you’re in the vein of a sun gleaming towards me letting me loose to the world of murkiness I was in. You seem like a spun-out downpour in my draughty days whereas you had drench my heart, had given me valour to vanquish entirely my own sentiments and quandary, bequeath elation which seems to previously leave me in high and dry, took the wings and made me soar the blue yet again, softly just like a rainbow subsequent to a Scotch mist. At this point in time, I don’t fret nor fuss for you have put on view the path for ecstasy so as to lead me to the right way.

At this moment in time, I believe a trance of you and me. You are the grounds why I subsist, break even and make ends meet. You are the grounds I cleaving unto conviction thus far. You are the only one in my heart perpetually. 

In the bounds of a desert, you are my oasis. 

Missing Piece of the Puzzle

I have lived my 18 years of existence strange to say in the absence of you. Who you are is yet enigmatical in my part. You’re of a piece of the puzzle in my vital spark that is yet to be found. And I candidly yearn for it. Sundry of queries I have in my mind through all ages that I wanted to put in the ground to shed light on the thoughts of you relentlessly scampering in my mind. 

What grounds above mediocrity do you have to come up into the conclusion of leaving us in the lurch? How can it be possible for you to beat a hasty retreat without a hitch and put us down to experience by a long chalk? How can you fall foul of your vows and abandon the ship to live with someone else and put up a further family whereas you have put us behind you from tip to toe? How can you put your back on her and play against all the angst and agony on her tod? How can you be so vicious?

If truth be told, I can’t bear you yet conversely I pine for you. I crave for the tenderness and warmth from you by far. Irrespective of how I seriously desire for you to be at this juncture, you can’t and you wouldn’t, I suppose. You were in a different place far afield from us in the course of jiffies noteworthy in my being that elapsed in a breeze without you in it. In the face of my heart bellowing your moniker frenziedly, regardless how I awfully wished upon a star for you to be in our side, you have previously made up your mind, explicitly choosing them over us which are your above-board family. 

Albeit you had forsaken us, we’re raised without a glitch even so. Hence, we’re living to tell the tale devoid of a man take as read to beaver away solely to make a profit for a family to subsist. Even supposing we don’t have you by our side, yet we have a woman who could do no matter which to bequeath us superlative existence in this globe we’re in. 

In spite of everything, yet I hanker after the day whereas I could embrace you and put across how much I have longed for you so as to feel the love and care you haul off from us from the time you had leave us behind. 

A man who could keep an eye on me and save me from any harm I may come upon, who will prop me up to things I want and to things I have a thing about, who will guide me which road to take and who will haul over the coals when I did something off the beam and eventually would embrace me, letting me off. Moreover, a man who will love me and care for me more than ever and will do whatever thing so as to make me draw a smile on my face, he is lock, stock and barrel that I craved for. 

A father. 

Woman Of Letters Inspires

“The Boy Next Door”.

A work of fiction I have read that caught the fancy of my raptness so as to be an arterial for me to set store to a stupendous, superlative and out of the ordinary woman of letters alike you. Unequivocally speaking, you are vastly dexterous so as to bring forth such mind-boggling series of events into the world of those who have a soft spot for tomes whereas they can read scores of stories in basic terms through the use of cellular devices, tablets or suchlike. 
With no holds barred, I have read piles of stories barring yours. Alas, I have put my feet up in reading in the view of the fact that I befall to be bore stiff given that we were stuffed with heaps of paper works and quite a lot of activities that we must put the last touches to prior to the cut-off date. All the same, I go back over the same ground and embark on reading whereas I stumble upon your story which had draw my attention, without fear or favour get down to reading yet again. 

I had dampened the spirits by no means for I have a thing about your story worth mentioning in any event. I get bright and breezy when the characters are in high spirits. I get down in the dumps when there are incidents that are awful enough. I blubber when things are not going well with the characters. My face turns scarlet when there are mushy incidents between the characters head-over-heels with one another. I feel every sentiment felt by the characters in the story like I was that ‘character’ as it happens. I was vastly on cloud nine as I had reached its conclusion. I was indubitably over the moon for I have read one of your stunning success as well as to be on familiar terms with you.

This is my first time sending a message to the author or writer, for you are worthy of going into raptures over for your magnum opus, for your aptitude and for your benign personality. Yet again, I want to express my unfathomable gratefulness for being an inspiration to an aspiring writer or woman of letters just round the corner alike me. 

Soldier on inspiring and making your readers on cloud nine. Incontrovertibly, you will be the up-and-coming writer in the offing. When that day comes to pass, I’ll be one of the people who are in good spirits about your success. I’ll be one of your enthusiast on or after at this moment.

“Just keep writing. You’ll wake up one day; thousands of people are now reading your masterpiece.”

That is the last part of the message you sent me whereas it make me wants to soar the blue and there are animals hang loose and letting their hair down in my belly. From the bottom of my heart, I’ll send you yet again my deepest gratitude. Thank you for the inspiration and encouragement. I’m blessed to be on familiar terms with an author alike you. 

“You are worthy to be respect, admire and to be appreciated, Ms. Mia.”

Tragic Jiffy Of My Existence

Being alone is the saddest juncture in my vim and vigour given that, reminiscences of what went before comes flooding back into my mind. It may be the happiest moment of my existence however, most often than not, it’s the most gloomy and heart-rending part of my verve whereas it always left my face doused with tears.

I was in my elementary years, in Grade 3 in particular when ‘that’ incident transpired. My mother’s job is a store’s retailer but she didn’t own the store. Auspiciously, we got to stay at the house adjacent to the store free of charge. It was in the evening when we are previously done with our dinner. My brother and I then decided to play with our neighbors as we asked for permission with our mother. 

We were playing merrily with our playmate which as the same time is our neighbor. All at once, we heard a hubbub outside our playmate’s house. Consequently, our playmate’s mother ran towards us telling me and my brother not to go home by now for there are quandary going on our store. She didn’t inform us about what is going on with our mother and that is when I feel ill at ease with fear and frets engirdling my heart as I took a crack in repressing my tears to fall right down my cheeks. I was worried with my mom from tip to toe and I find myself mooching around our playmate’s house.

Soon after, as our playmate’s mother told us we can by now return to the store, we ran on the spur of the moment to the store and finds our mother. As we got to the store, my mom wasn’t alone. There are police officers in the area as well as my mother’s boy assistant. 

I was only nine years of age at that time and my brother is 11 years of age in the course of that incident. But then, I grasp what previously come to pass with the store as well as with my mom. The store’s been intruded by two men wearing black clothes and masks and robbed the store and put a gun into my mother’s head. 

That incident that goes off with my mom ruptured my heart into pieces as it was the worse for wear. I began to weep the minute I become aware of what truly happens. 

I’m too naive to grasp the things that need understanding. What I know since that occasion ensued until now, is that God is there, forever and a day and never deserted us. 

To Where My Happiness Lies

I take a crack to put you out of my mind so far as I could yet I can’t. The reminiscences of you inexorably flood back along with your voice inured to bellow my moniker meandered in my ears causing me to have wakeful hours of darkness every so often. At this moment, I am making steps towards you without me even realizing it. And I’m thinking of what am I going to do at this moment in time where my heart is in rummage for yours. 

Nonetheless, one thing is as plain as the nose on your face. I merely pine for you so as to lay hands on the love gone astray which we previously have for one another. I know it’s after the event yet the thoughts of you just can’t wrap up rushing back in my mind. I get the picture that the sole being I needed is barely you, the lass I solely desire to be with just round the corner and whom I want to go halves the odds and ends of my existence. 

At this instant, I’m genuflecting scarcely propounding the affection of you I’m yearning by a long chalk. You are the grounds I lingered breathing, devoid of you is akin to seen better days. You are the grounds I’m cleaving unto the sanguinity that I still have a reason to subsist. Reminiscent of having you is the paramount chapter of my life. 

It’s easier said than done flipping through you who I’m inured to be with day by day. My heart is the worse for wear seeing that you weren’t here by my side at this moment. It’s kind of agonizing me deep within whereas thoughts of you unyielding to flood back in my mind even supposing I put myself out to put you down to experience. 

I aspired destiny would allow us to have a further jiffies together, blissfully smitten with each other, where there is solely you and me. And as that moment come to pass, can you just not let me down?

It’s the lone thing I asked for, to rush back to you. Can you tell me I could go back, to where my happiness lies?

By your side.  

Easier Said Than Done

Days gone by.

Stumbling upon you is the best day of my existence. To have you is beyond compare jiffy in my entire being. You had unshackled me to an overcast world I was in bequeathing afterglow through the fathomless ardour you had bestowed on me. You had put on my nose the path to where ecstasy lies. You had put unto view the grounds to subsist and how to let my hair down. You are the grounds in the wake of my beam, the grounds why I lingers cleaving unto vivacity, the grounds of my seventh heaven. I could not enquire for further because you are the whole thing I desired for. You had formed my verve into a life carrying great weight. You had bear out I am worthy to be love whereas you had let loose of my heart to love yet again. Reminiscent of the paramount piece of me is you.

Days gone by.

Things were not in the vein of way we inured to be. The way you inured to exchange a few words with me, the way you pencil in a beam on my face, the way you make me feel I’m over the moon, the way you held me tight so as to make me feel I’m bubble-like for you are there forever and a day to look after me from any harm I may chance upon. Conversely, it’s different by now in all honesty. I was wear through entirely by these circumstance we are currently in. I was dead on my feet to hold my horses for you to text me, for you to call me, to see me more than ever. I was all-in to have a handle on your hectic plans and schedules whereas I find myself incessantly beseeching for your time. I was dead beat for your ceaseless excuses, letting you off for what you have done and ended up going over from the way you give me the brush-off merely because of your action-packed verve. I’m bushed weeping every so often in the midst of the night of darkness on my own. I’m sapped accepting all of your excuses and contrite when in fact, I know you’ll do it yet again.

Days gone by.

With all those pains you’ve caused me, yet, I have a thing for you even now. However, I can’t put up with you to any longer extent for I can’t bear the pain any longer. I can forgive you, yet I can’t put out of my mind the thoughts of you as well as the pain you had set off in my heart. It needs time to mend my shattered heart so as to put you behind. But, solely thinking about it, my heart seems to burst out from pain. I don’t want to shed any tears yet again. I merely want to put you down to experience yet I know it’s easier said than done.

“I don’t walk out on you. I gave you up.”

Throw In The Towel

Waking up is one of the optimum thing I want to do in my being ever since I fall upon you for I’ll be able to spend a new and a further jiffies together with you. Time lapsed lickety-split. We have been blissfully together virtually for a year. The reciprocated affection we have for each other even build up.

However, the firmament dared us. I was furnished with a great deal of tasks I must do before the cut-off date whereas it used up all my time which should be with the one I love. It goes on as weeks and months lapsed. And I am consciously clued-up that you’re up in your arms by now.

I get the drift that I lack a give or take a few time with you, communicate with you there or thereabouts a moment or two, go out with you for a date hardly ever and couldn’t bear out how by a long way you mean to me for I am awfully under enemy control with stacks of paperwork’s that must be done foremost.

Whist I was not just a stone’s throw away from you and I was not able to save you from any harms, I am familiar with how oodles of qualms and query had set off running into your mind. Reminiscent of I was having an affair with some other lass, I am bore to tears with you and grasp that I don’t have a thing for you to any further extent. Stuffs that is wide off the mark from tip to toe.

By and by, weeks had lapsed and I had pulled off things which must be done. Same day as well as I had made up my mind to drop in on you so as to make it all up to you and get back into shape our topsy-turvy relationship.

I had kept my nose to the grindstone roughly speaking for a month merely to take on board the actuality that I don’t get hold of your heart by far. The affection you have for me seems to be gone astray barely to grasp the veracity that you had walk out on me by now.

I presume this is the closing stages, huh? I had set in train the love that we had with “I fell in love with you.”  Whilst you called a halt to our relationship with “I fell out of love with you.”

You have already given me your marching and the relationship we had though not just the thing had abruptly reached its conclusion, leaving me behind with no choice but to throw in the towel.

I Am Over The Moon

I am enchanted.

I have a preferential treatment over the Boys of the East Standing Tall or by and large acknowledged as B2ST. I have known them in recent times yet they slickly enthralled me with their flair and aptitude along with their breathtaking voices so as to make my body thaw out and have beasts hang loose and gleefully painting the town red in my belly. The ecstasy I feel is too wonderful for words.

I am elated.

I have my pals, buddies, chums, or in words of one syllable, my friends. They had furnished my being with a picturesque hue. A big cheese who could make you fall about laughing, pencil in a beam on your maw, bring to the surface the bona fide you, and could make you feel you are out of the ordinary. Furthermore, they were beyond doubt within spitting distance when you needed someone to get in touch with when you feel like the whole lot leave you in the lurch and at times you’ve austerely make up your mind that no angel had ever smile on you.

I am grateful.

I have the paramount and beyond compare mother of all moms across the globe. She certainly not walks out on us in the vein of what our father did when I was yet to be in this world. Myriad of things she did for us to have a decent and moral living, had kept her head down solely to send us to school, had work up a sweat scarcely to bequeath stuff we could do with and endowed us the love and care of a mom. She is beggaring description ever so. She is the superlative, without equal and unrivalled mother a child could have. I am set apart to have the best mother in the entire world.

I am sanctified.

I have God who had crafted my life into a superb and carrying great weight escapade of my existence. I am zilch without Him. For ever and a day, He leads us and put under our nose the on the button route to walk into. He certainly not turns His back on us for He beyond doubt loves us albeit the misdemeanour we did. He exonerate us on His own accord if we enquire for forgiveness, He ease the angst and woes we feel if we learned to seek for Him, and He bestowed blessings to us notwithstanding the transgression we did. The whole lot He could do solely for us.  We barely need to have faith on Him for nil is out of question with Him.

I am on cloud nine to have them in my existence for they had bequeath bliss into my being whereas I could not enquire for more for they are the whole thing I needed in my life. The rapture I feel is beyond words. I am happy even supposing there are things yet wanting.

“Others rummage around for happiness. But what we should actually do is to make others happy and happiness itself will hunt for you.”

Come Back My Hate Girl

I was in profundity concurrently staring at the chair adjacent to mine, the spot you had forsaken that’s bursting at the seams of melancholy. It’s been roughly a year since you hit the road yet it seems it was spanking new. I can barely deem you had walk out on me as it happens. I can scarcely process it in my mind that you made tracks without even saying goodbye.

“She left by now. She doesn’t want to let you know. She doesn’t want to see you cry.”

Bolt from the blue the second I heard my chum uttered those words, it took me days to process it in my mind. I can hardly accept it as true that you just give me your marching. You’re kind of callous lass, walking out on me without uttering a single word. From that jiffy, my world seems to halt from moving. The whole thing brings to a standstill, in consequence, I can’t hear as if I’m deaf, I can’t see as if I’m blind, I can’t feel no matter which as if I’m frozen, I can’t even focus to anything, from the time you deserted me, leaving behind zilch but a heart seen better days.

Merely thinking about you leaves my face doused with tears and as I move towards to hold you in my arms, you’re austerely getting farther and father. It must be after the event to relapse at this moment. You’re voice solely getting barely audible. I get the picture that you’re not on my doorstep by now. You’re seriously far-off from me devoid of verity that I don’t know where you at by now.

Albeit I shed tears day in, day out thanks to you, and after you had put me behind that even the clock stops ticking, at one point, I wanted to put your name down to your spot here in my heart until you come flooding back to me.

“Please come back my hate girl.”

Best Thing I Never Had

I am I. I liked two different people in my same class. The heartthrob guy that likes me since the class even starts and the transferred guy that been so quiet that didn’t talked to anyone else. Neither of them knew that I like them. It will just be a big trouble for the three of us. And so I keep myself silent.

Days had passed and I started liking the quiet guy even more. He has something in him that I find it interesting and I want to know him even more. I was startled when he looked back at me and I immediately turn my face to the board. He caught me staring at him. Ashamed of myself.

Many chances had given and I was able to talk with him. He was nice but he’s the coldest guy I have ever known. Many opportunities had come and I was able to spend some time with him. But he talked less as to what I’m expecting. I only got some information about him but none of them is personal and important.

Months had passed and I think we are getting along with each other. He was just cold outside but very gentle inside. I think I was the only one whom he gave the chance to see the real him. I was in bliss. My feelings for him even grew stronger.

But this happiness comes to halt in an instance. My long-time suitor come and tried to separate us when things are going well for both of us. I didn’t want the next things that happen. My suitor got enrages and eventually knock off the new guy. The new guy didn’t fight back and I eventually come in between them and stop my suitor from hurting the one I like the most. The new guy tried to get up and left the scene without saying a word.

I followed him and found him in the rooftop of the school. I found him sitting there with his back facing me. I immediately ran towards him and asked if his okay. He was just starring at the sky with expressionless face. I hugged him. But he put my arms away and turned his back on me. I stopped him.

“I like you.”

He turned his face to me with his poker face.

“Save that for another guy. I don’t like you.”

With that, he left me speechless.

I thought we could be a perfect fit for each other. I thought I could be as happy as we were so many times before.

I thought I already had him, but I know I didn’t. He’s the best thing I never had.

When the Rain Stops

The blue becomes murky. The rain comes down in torrents. I can feel the breeze touching a chord in my skin. It’s cold, freezing me deep in the bounds of my body. The whole lot is in the doldrums. And reminiscences of you persist in bringing to the surface what went before that I have previously put behind me. Yet again, I can’t steer clear of the thoughts of you plugging away, messing up with my mind causing me to be like a cat on a hot tin roof.

Be that as it may, it’s closing stages by now. I don’t get hold of your heart to any further extent. I grasp that it’s just my daftness and folly that I was dim-witted for you even now. You’re gone now, far afield from me; you’re not here by my side thanks to my half-baked smugness and self-worth.

I have previously put you out of my mind; however, it’s bucketing at this juncture. And the thoughts of you swing by and tormented me all through the hours of darkness. All the same, I know the downpour will run its term and the thoughts of you peter out at a snail’s pace. Gazing at the rain drops tipping down, it’s quite akin to what I am feeling at this jiffy, going to the wall.

I don’t pine for you. It’s the reminiscences that we have piercing me deep within my shattered heart. In days akin this, I unearthed our crystal-clear memories together putting up with the thoughts that your gone by now. The memories we had together is merely a memory and that what makes me plough through to make ends meet.

I had emptied my mind from the thoughts of you yet again, when it buckets down, I know it will come flooding back once more. All the memories I had keep under wraps persist in rummage of you but downpour will indisputably come to a standstill and the thoughts of you will wane inch by inch.

If truth be told, when on earth I see your happy face, I take a crack at smiling back for I won’t get hold of you anymore and there is no way to come back to you. I was brooding about what to do now that it is over and done with. The lone thing I could do is to regret my inanity. Regret that I don’t have you because I was so stupid.

“This is going to repeat again because it always rains. When the rain stops, I will stop.”

Loving and Letting Go

The sunset, the cold breeze, the scenic view, and with you by my side, it was amazingly beautiful. We were talking about something important but I don’t just understand it well so I turn my attention to the scenery and feel the moment spent with you. It’s the best feeling I could ever have in my entire life.

“I love you.”

I get back to my senses and turned right to you with a smile on my face. Those three words could make me feel I was the luckiest girl on Earth to have an angel sent from above. I really wished I could stop the time from ticking so that I could enjoy this moment longer. Having you is the best part in my entire life. I could not ask for more because to me, you are everything that I need.

“I am happy with you.”

The feeling I felt when you say those words just make me want to leap into happiness and shout to the whole world that I love you and that I was happiest woman alive to have you.  This is the sweetest and the best moment I could ever have in my whole life. Only you could give me this feeling I thought I could never have. You brought happiness in my dimmed life. Life without you is like living without a soul.

“But I need someone else.”

Shocked. Stunned. Surprised. Astonished. Startled. Speechless. Minutes later since I get back to reality, tears started falling down on my cheeks without me realizing it. I just can’t find the right words to say in such situation where the one you loved the most would tell you that he don’t need you anymore and needed someone else that could play the role better than you. It was the most unwanted, painful words I had ever heard in my seventeen years of existence.

He was my first love. He was the first to have my trust that I never give to anyone else. He means the world to me. He means everything to me. I did all the things just to make him happy, but I guess it’s not just enough to make a man satisfied with what he already had. He gave me the feeling I never felt before. I learn to trust, care and love because of him. He was the first man to give importance to me. He was the first man that makes out the real me and the best out of me.

And he was the first man who broke my heart and now, it’s falling into pieces like no one could ever fix it. I thought he was the right one for me but, I guess, I deserve someone better.

I don’t regret the choice I had made when I gave him my ‘yes’.

He was the man I chose to love and the man I chose to let go. 

Eclipse

Silence.

You keep asking me what’s wrong with me. You keep pushing me to tell something I really wanted to hide. You keep on interrogating me what’s going on with me. But all I did was to ignore you with tears continuously falling down on my cheeks.

“It’s not working anymore.”

A very woeful phrase I had ever said to someone who had gave me his world and proved me how much he can do for me for he had loved me more than anyone else. I am the most obdurate girl a guy could ever meet. Without a fair shake reason, I’m mopping up things with you.

A heart that aches so as to kill you, you held me tight and tried hardly to understand my very despicable decision. It’s forsooth. I could see you crying. Your eyes are weary from weeping while your heart is bleeding in pain. I couldn’t do anything to comfort you for I am the reason behind all those pain you’re suffering from.

To utter those words, windup things so as to hurt you painfully, I am beyond the pale as ever. I, myself don’t know why I suddenly making an end to what we have for more than two years. I am befuddled. One thing I know for sure, I love you and it hurts me more to see you suffer in front of my very own eyes and what hurts me most is that the fact that you were ill with my own grounds.

I had hurt you many times before and I wanted to give you space and time to heal those wounds because it hurts me when you were still with me even though I am the root for all those pains. I am giving you point in time for you to find the happiness you deserve. I am giving you time for you to converge yourself to your own priorities in life.

Even though we’ll be living in separate ways, you will still be the guy that I love and will still love every passing day. I am still hoping that we could be as happy as ever when things went well for the paths we had take and established yet again what we had before. I am hoping that destiny would allow us to share happiness that love brings over again in the future time.

Maybe our love is like the sun and the moon. They are not meant for now, but someday they will. 

Clenching My Fists Tight

“I don’t love you anymore. Just go away.”

Go away. Get me out of your system. Put me down to your experience. I’m setting you free for I am not worthy of your love. I told you I don’t have a thing for you to any further extent thinking I wouldn’t be able to lay eyes on you yet again.

Thus, I said my au revoir restraining myself not to shed tears at all. I’m giving you occasion to rummage around to where beatitude nestled. I can’t bear up given that you were ill by my grounds. You are entitled to be in ecstasy then again I can’t even pencil in a smile on your face. I’ll give a free rein to you for your chase to whatnot makes you happy.

I had pulled the wool over your eyes albeit my heart was shattered and falling into pieces taking into account you were walking away from me. The twinge I feel is too awful for words seeing you leaving without looking back at me. I set store on you consequently doing this even supposing I’ll suffer the loss of you which means a great deal in me. The relationship we had reached its conclusion all of a sudden. The way you say you can’t breathe without me so as you could kick the bucket without me, I wonder where it went.

As I have stared at you whilst you’re under your own steam away from me, as I have holding back my tears from falling yet I awaited you’ll look back at me once more however you didn’t. So this is our goodbye after everything else as it happens. In that case, I’ll set in train putting you out of my mind. Telling myself I wouldn’t love a girl in the vein of you that I wouldn’t think of you any longer. Then again, putting you behind is easier said than done.

At this point in time, I was at a standstill and down in the dumps, give leave to enter the verity that I will not be able to meet you yet again. The pain so as to kill me inch by inch, the thoughts of you relentlessly roaming in my mind, the fact that I don’t have you by far, the relationship we had for so long, abruptly come to nothing and end with tears.

All the same, I need to keep my head above water and so I turned my back in a jiffy in full swing repressing the tears waiting in the wings to tumble right down my cheeks.

“Au revoir. I will send you away so hurry up and go to be happy.”

Tears fall down in due course as I bit my lip at these cold icy words. I don’t want to look back. I don’t want to ever look back.

I started to cry.

Clenching my fists tight. 

After All, We're Friends

I was been by your side ever since the world began, yet merely kidding aside. Seriously speaking, I was akin to a sanatorium when on earth you’re hurt albeit it’s not in the flesh but rather, deep within your dilapidated heart owing to the lass you had loved the most, yet doesn’t know how to set store on your magnitude and hurts you forever and a day. I was there to mop up the tears incessantly tumbling right down your cheeks, advising you got to set your heart free from the grounds of your sufferings for I can’t bear seeing you akin to that. It barely hurts me further.

Days come to pass and the camaraderie we had build up even further so as to take upon myself that we’re falling with one another whereas you are the grounds of my gaiety. Reminiscent of there were butterflies gleefully bopping in my belly as well as party animals who painted the town red in my stomach. Without a doubt, I was infatuated with you, if truth be told. I know it’s quite off the beam to be smitten with your own chum yet I can’t steer clear of you, the thoughts of you relentlessly surfacing out in my mind.

By a quirk of fate, I heard you with the love of yours, the girl who does nothing but to hurt you awfully putting heads together on the subject of me. I have no idea why I turn out to be the area of discussion out of the blue when in fact; I have nothing to do with what you have.

“I don’t have a thing on her. I was with her at all times because I needed someone to lean on when on earth you’ve hurt me. She’s kind and I know she knows that too. 

After all, she’s my friend.”

At this jiffy, I couldn't bring to a standstill the tears incessantly falling right down my cheeks for you had said something which means the whole thing to me. The whole lot you had spent with me means zilch to you whilst it was something carrying a great weight to me. I’m dim-witted to fall in love with my chum when in fact; we couldn't go further from there, for I am a friend, a veracity so as to make my heart the worse for wear.

He’s dumb and I’m dense to fall for him. I thought that someday he could see my worth, that for all these years, I was been there when he needed someone to lean on, to talk to whereas he’ll be smitten with me and we could have a happily ever after story. Why am I being so presumptuous anyways?

After all, he’s my friend. 

A Brand New Ending

“I love you. But I have to say goodbye. I’m sorry.”

It’s almost four months since the last time we talked. The 2-year relationship we had come to a halt. I get tired of oft-repeated things occurring between us. It was not that easy for me to say my au revoir. It was not facile to utter those words to someone I had loved the most and brought heaven-scent feeling into my life. You may think that I have obdurate feelings to rend your heart and leave you with my absurd excuse. That with all the challenges we both surmount, I’m enunciating I get tired of all these things happening between us. I’m asinine, I know.

I always think of you.

I thought getting occupied to my studies would prop up to my process of moving on. But I was utterly wrong. Every little thing keeps reminding me of you. Every minute, the memories I had with you keep flashing into my mind. Someone I am with for more than two years, someone I loved more than anyone else, someone that loved me more like of his world, how can I forget someone like you in a breeze?

I am missing you.

Your smile, your laugh, your jokes, your face, your hands, and everything in you, I miss it all. Every moment that we spent together, the blissful feeling I felt when I am with you, the things you did for me to make me happy, your hands that fits with mine, your hugs that gave me warmth, and everything you did for me, I miss it all. The long talks, the heart-to-heart discussion, the funny moments, your made-up stories and everything you had told me, I miss it all.

I regretted what I did.

Things were not the same anymore. I wounded your heart and no one could ever heal it. I felt guilty to what have I done to someone precious as you. You’re aching more than I am hurting. I am heedless in making such reckless decision that leaves me bemoaning.

I wanted you back.

I am trying to fix your broken heart and try to heal it with my own heart. I am asking for another chance to make it up to you. I don’t need anybody else because all I need is you. My heart needs you as I needed you in my entire life. I know it will not be easy to forgive me with the foolish things I did to you. But I’m trying my very best to prove you that I can be as strong as anyone could be.

Let’s make a brand new ending.

Even though we don’t have happy beginning, we can still start a brand new ending. And that is to stay together until the very last seconds of our life.

#5

Regrets

I wanted to see you so bad. But when I had the chance, I let it slip right in my hands. I wish I could bring back the time where I should have not given up that opportunity to meet you in the flesh. That one night I could have heard you sing, I mean rap and I could sing with you, together. I could even exhaust my voice to cheer you up, to give you energy because I know you're tired physically. I could stare at you until the last minute, while my heart is beating so fast and there's this thing in my stomach. Butterflies. Full of butterflies. I'm in bliss because the day has finally come. When you give us the chance to see you, to hear you, to communicate with you, and to enjoy with you. That one day, the night when I JUST gave you up. The opportunity that I JUST missed.

I don't know why it hurts to see your friends having such a best time of their life with them while you were having the worst day of your life at your house, with just your laptop on. I don't want to hear anything that happen that night. I don't want to hear their spazzing from anywhere. I don't want to see how happy they are and their feels about it. But, it isn't right. Just because I'm jealous doesn't mean I have to be angry with them. They have too much feels and can't contain it. I understand. I'm a fangirl, too.

A fangirl who missed her chance to see her second ULTIMATE BIAS. MIN YOONGI/SUGA. I don't know. I just can't still get over this thing. It's just too, regretful.

I hope they'll come back again. And I'll make sure, I'll be there. No matter what it takes. I'm not going to let opportunities let slip in my hands again.

Never Been

I tried to pretend that everything’s been okay. That we are doing good. That we are in good terms. But in reality, it’s never been okay even from the start. It’s been the truth since the day I confessed everything to you. The day, I told you my true feelings. That I liked you. The day you confessed yours, too.

Five months of getting-to-know-each-other stage. I trusted you. And I suppose, you had do the same. Talking with you becomes more comfortable each passing day. And my feelings grow deeper too.

I thought our love for each other is perfect. Because, I’m in bliss when I’m with you. Though we fought and quarrel more often, I started to love you even more.

But, I know, it’s not perfect. And it’s never been okay. This relationship. That ‘ours’. I know for a fact that you can’t accept the whole me. Especially what had made me. My past.

You’re always hunted by my past though I buried it a very long time ago. I moved on. Fully. But you keep digging it again for no apparent reason. It’s like you, shooting me with a gun loaded with unlimited bullets.

"I’m just asking." That’s always your excuse. And that makes it even worse. My heart is seen better days when you’re keep doing it. It’s like you have a stone heart. 

I know. You are perfect. And I am not. We have that BIG, BIGGER and BIGGEST differences. You are the angel. I am the devil. You are the saint, I am the demon. You are the good and I am the worst. We are the exact opposite.

But you know, why I still cling unto you? Because, I’m cleaving unto your words, “I love you. Tanggap kita kahit sino ka pa. Mamahalin kita. Kasama ka pagtanda.” Your promises. Because I thought you really meant all those words you said. You are a good person and I know you always keep your word. And that’s what I’m cleaving unto thus far.

The way you said, “I love you.”

But…

Did you really mean it?

You know that my heart is fallin’ into pieces. I know you’re numb but I always pretend you’re not. Everything about you, our situation, I tried to understand it. Even if it will break my heart. So, I’m hoping you’ll do the same.

I don’t know. But why is it that loving you is hard? * Maybe because a deserving person needs to be earned. * (Pampalubag loob)