Never Been

I tried to pretend that everything’s been okay. That we are doing good. That we are in good terms. But in reality, it’s never been okay even from the start. It’s been the truth since the day I confessed everything to you. The day, I told you my true feelings. That I liked you. The day you confessed yours, too.

Five months of getting-to-know-each-other stage. I trusted you. And I suppose, you had do the same. Talking with you becomes more comfortable each passing day. And my feelings grow deeper too.

I thought our love for each other is perfect. Because, I’m in bliss when I’m with you. Though we fought and quarrel more often, I started to love you even more.

But, I know, it’s not perfect. And it’s never been okay. This relationship. That ‘ours’. I know for a fact that you can’t accept the whole me. Especially what had made me. My past.

You’re always hunted by my past though I buried it a very long time ago. I moved on. Fully. But you keep digging it again for no apparent reason. It’s like you, shooting me with a gun loaded with unlimited bullets.

"I’m just asking." That’s always your excuse. And that makes it even worse. My heart is seen better days when you’re keep doing it. It’s like you have a stone heart. 

I know. You are perfect. And I am not. We have that BIG, BIGGER and BIGGEST differences. You are the angel. I am the devil. You are the saint, I am the demon. You are the good and I am the worst. We are the exact opposite.

But you know, why I still cling unto you? Because, I’m cleaving unto your words, “I love you. Tanggap kita kahit sino ka pa. Mamahalin kita. Kasama ka pagtanda.” Your promises. Because I thought you really meant all those words you said. You are a good person and I know you always keep your word. And that’s what I’m cleaving unto thus far.

The way you said, “I love you.”

But…

Did you really mean it?

You know that my heart is fallin’ into pieces. I know you’re numb but I always pretend you’re not. Everything about you, our situation, I tried to understand it. Even if it will break my heart. So, I’m hoping you’ll do the same.

I don’t know. But why is it that loving you is hard? * Maybe because a deserving person needs to be earned. * (Pampalubag loob)