Hideous

It’s never been a piece of cake looking for someone who could accept you – how you look and how you act. Someone who could still say you’re the most beautiful girl he’d ever seen even though you look exactly like the zombies on The Walking Dead in every season. Someone who could look you directly in the eyes and tell you he couldn’t ask for more even though you’re the ugliest person he’d ever seen in his whole life. Someone who would love you as days gone by setting aside how worst your looks right now.

I want that ‘someone’ to be the guy I’m falling for as of the moment.

No matter how many times he’d tell me he doesn’t freaking care how I look, I could still tell he wasn’t satisfied. He wanted me to look just perfect for him. He wanted to make me look like a goddess. And you know what’s more funny? I’m trying my freaking best to make myself look good for him. Every time we exchanged self photos, all I heard from him is critiques about how bad I look. About how my dark circles are getting to its darkest phase. About how many pimples I have on my face. About how wasted I look. About how I should always tie my hair.

Before I met him, I already acknowledged the fact that I’m not good looking, not like how my photos shows it. I’m exactly opposite. I’m just the way I am. I’m just made by God, JUST. LIKE.THIS.

And now I’m hurting like freaking thousand hurt because he’d always put on view how bad I could look and no matter how hard I try to be better for him, I just can’t. I just can’t be perfect for him.

The problem of having a good looking guy is that you have to be good looking too, so that you’d perfectly be fit together. That’s just what good-looking guys’ want- to be with someone of their equals.

Unfortunately, I’m not the gorgeous-almost-perfect type of girl. The type of girl he wants. And I’m sorry to break it for all of you, but photos could be deceiving. 

Changes

People changed because they were tired of being who they used to be. They always try to be better than they were yesterday thinking other people would be pleased and be satisfied with the changes. That’s how changes occurred. That’s what drives people to change.

To please other people.

To be accepted by the world.

To have the feeling of belonging.

If you’re bad, you choose to be good because bad people just don’t have a place in this world. If you’re a loser, you desire to achieve something because losers faces demeans. If you felt like being a ‘nobody’, you decide to have a purpose because being a ‘nobody’ also means nothing.

Change is the only permanent thing in this world. Change is forever. It’s endless.

If you’re the kind of I-don’t-want-to-please-anybody person, like you don’t want to change yourself just to please anyone, then maybe you’re wrong. You may not even realize it, but you changed. You are not the same person than before and you just don’t want to admit it. You want people to like you.

But no matter how you changed yourself for the better, people will always have something to say. And that’s where this ‘thing’ enters the picture – acceptance.

Change is a good thing because you’re evolving yourself to be better than before; to right the wrongs and to give yourself another chance. However, you have to accept the fact that you can’t make everybody’s day. And it shouldn’t be the reason why you changed in the first place.

You have to keep in mind that you changed, because it’s for your own good. Not for others. You changed because you choose to, not because others tell you to.

Someone That I Used To Know

I like you.

You were very nice. You were kind enough to allow me to know you more. You care for me like we’ve known each other for a long time. You make me happy when my world seems to fall apart. You were always being there when I needed someone to lean you. You loved me like I’m very precious to you.

I fall for you.

I thought of having no commitments with other guy because you itself ought the things which a boyfriend do.

We don’t have any relationship status or any commitments. I was just a girl whom you cared for and you were my best friend whom I know for sure.

I confess the love I feel for you.

You didn't say a word as if you heard nothing from me. You even change the topic and make the atmosphere be witty enough. Tears started running down my face and ran away.

I thought you feel the same.

All those things you did for me, all pointing out that you cared for me and I safely deduced you love me, too. But I was utterly wrong. I thought you would feel the same as I do but you didn’t. I was just someone you cared for. Nothing special. Nothing more than as friend.

I hope things wouldn't change.

I don’t regret the things that I said. Now, it is clear to me that you did all those things because I am your friend. That falling for you wasn't right.

I don’t want to lose you.

But every little things change. You didn't talk to me. You didn't text me or ask me how I was doing. Things you do, things you make me feel, things you say before seems to fade away. It’s as if you were running away.

I don’t know you.

Months have passed and we don’t have any communication at all. Eventually, I chanced with you somewhere along the road. I greeted you happily because I was able to meet someone I missed so badly. But you didn't even smile and just left me alone smiling by herself. I am stunned and speechless.

Someone caring, thoughtful, kind and generous would eventually turn into someone I never thought he would be. He was unquestionably changed into a different person.

He was not the person I knew, someone that I used to know.

Brighter Me

These past few days, all I wanted is to be alone - distant from anybody else. I shut people out because I always thought it would be best for both our worlds. I kept running away from people who cared for me, who were always been there when I needed someone to talk to, people who helped me get up when I fall, people who always lights my way when I’m crossing the wrong path, people who offered me a shoulder to lean on when I cry, people who just love me and truly cared for me. But I’m just a freaking idiot because I set all those aside and becomes so selfish that I just tossed them like they meant nothing to me even though they give me reason to live again – happiness.

Now, I realized, I am completely insane for pushing them away from my life. I needed them more than anybody else. They showed me that there are still people who were willing to keep me because they thought I was precious, that they choose to stay rather than letting me go because they thought I deserve to be happy.

And they were right. I so freaking deserve to be happy. I don’t deserve all these suffering caused by people who I thought brings happiness to me when all they did is leave me with nothing but pain.

Being happy is a choice. And today, I choose happiness over despair. I choose to smile over being down in the dumps. I choose to live my life again with full of hopes and leave those things that hurt me, forget my pasts, moved on and look forward to a brighter me.

"This is the last."

Is what I'm telling myself for the nth time for this past few days. 

Before I met him, I told myself not to fall in love again because boys are boys. They will give all the love you want, they will care for you, they will do anything for you, but in the end, right in the middle, right where you already decided a future for both of you together living a happily ever after, they will leave you with reasons you can't do nothing but to accept and watch him go on with his life without you. 

And now, here I am again. With the same situation before I was left broken by a man who, I'm afraid, I no longer wanted to mention, and before that and before that. This seems like a cycle to me now. I thought I already learned a lesson, am I still not?

"Funny it is that we're best of friends yesterday and now, you seem like a stranger I haven't met yet." - AJignacio

“Don’t spend hours thinking about people’s thoughts about you. First of all, whatever it is, it sure does not define who you really are. Second, no matter what you do or say, good or bad, they always have something to say, so don’t bother anymore. And most of all, you weren’t born to entertain people.” - AJignacio